Elev-8 tested @ Grate Scot

The Elev-8 is a Chinese produced exercise bike. The focus is on the core functionality of the product with little in the way of superficial distractions. That almost sounded like a communist party description. Compared to other exercise bikes it is comparatively cheap or in marketing parlance it would probably be described as "entry level".

What is an exercise bike ?

An exercise bike is a means of transport which has been redesigned in order to prevent it travelling. It allows you to pedal furiously away and go nowhere. An outdoor pursuit which can be pursued from the comfort of your home. No, seriously. It is a bicycle which is incapable of moving. I think that it is important to bear this point in mind when reading this review.

What is the Elev-8 ?

It is cheap, Chinese, and was bought on a whim when I thought that getting fit would be a good idea thus proving that alcohol, credit cards, and online shopping are a dangerous mix. It lay peacefully in it's box in the hallway for 2 years not doing anyone any harm whatsoever. Anybody who has visited the flat has been kind enough not to question its prescence or to enquire who it belonged to. Had the plague not struck it would no doubt have remained where it was being "a feature" until the flat found a new owner.

Some Assembly required

The Elev-8 was delivered in a large heavy box. Although a lot of the weight is down to the fly wheel the main components are fabricated from steel. None of your lightweight alloys or carbon fibre here. I had assumed that since it was cheap that it would probably be commensurately shoddy in terms of build and materials. Once the box was moved to the appropriate room, accompanied by much heaving and cursing, it was then opened, or rather dismantled around the bike. The instructions were located and the components compared with the checklist. There were even some rudimentary tools supplied with which to complete assembly but I decided to complpiment these with my trusty toolbox.

If the truth be told I was expecting to encounter a problem with the assembly at which point I could legitimately introduce it to the rubbish bin and free up some space in the flat. I wasn't to be disappointed. Experience has taught me that if there is going to be a fault it will appear in the latter stages once you have already expended much effort and are well beyond the point of no return. Pretty much the last items to be bolted on were the pedals. Kind of essential these and just to add to the fun they were reversed thread. Inevitably the last one would only tighten up a couple of turns and then refused to budge. My conclusion was that I had cross threaded the pedal and since it was barely on there was no chance that I would get away with it taking the strain. I was sweaty, pissed off and seeking revenge for something which was almost certainly my own fault but which I blamed on poor fabrication. I gazed wistfully out of the window wondering if I could surreptitiously lob the bike out the window several stories down to the car park without being noticed. I decided against it as the emergency services would probably expend several fruitless hours in the search for a body.

I spent the night dreaming of Olympic glory but not in cycling. A grumpy morning ensued and to relieve the frustration I decided to apply a large dose of force onto the offending pedal and thereby ensure that it was well and truly broken before dealing with the problem of disposal. True to form that didn't work out either. Instead of seizing up, the bloody pedal tightened into place. My flabber has never been so gasted. The new problem was that I had a working exercise bike.

A New Dimension

I can't help thinking that the Chinese are getting their revenge for some imagined slight. The dimensions of the Elev-8 would appear to be designed to accommodate an average Chinese person. Fortunately I have short legs but I also have a long back. The saddle has adjusters for both vertical and horizontal positioning. The handle bars only adjust for height but higher also moves them closer to your body. After much fiddling my legs are comfortable for peddling but my shoulders are forward over the bars. All that remained to do was to put batteries in the computer, mount the computer on the bars, and connect up the wires. Job done.

Test Ride

I suppose that it would be useful at this stage to point out that I have not done any cycling for over thirty years. I don't count the five hours spent circumnavigating Loch Tummell with (note - "with" not necessarily on) a bicycle as the average attained in this ill concieved adventure was barely above walking speed. It was with a heady mixture of excitement and determination that I jumped into the saddle. As I heaved at the pedals there was momentary sensory assault as various factors registered with my brain. Appropriate clothing would be a good idea. Familiarisation with the use of the gearing system, emergency brake, and fixed wheel would have been useful.

It didn't take long to encounter some teething problems. Lack of stamina kicked in early on. In use there are some rather ominious creaking and grinding sounds but after a thorough investigation I can confirm that they are not coming from the bike. I suspect that the so-called saddle is responsible for the high pitched whine. On an early outing I was forced to make an emergengy pit stop due to the handlebars starting to work loose. The cause of this incident would appear to be my desire to avoid snapping the bolts by overtightening or, and it's much more likely, that I forgot to tighten them in the excitement of fitting the computer.

Given my history on two wheels, I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen off, yet. - location - the only place that I could put it was in the corner of the bedroom up against the wall. I considered setting up the projector to show an encouraging video of cruising throught the countryside but my hayfever got the better of me. - saddle - some form of medieaval torture implement. It does encourage you to go faster if only to reduce the exposure to the pain. - only one wheel, at the front, and the chain is connected to it. No idea how to steer it. It is a fly wheel and weighs lots of kilos (that's bags of sugar to the crusties). It is fixed wheel so no slacking and just freewheeling down the hills. It's best not to forget that it's fixed wheel as that would put a very great strain on your ankles. - clothing - short socks, padded lycra shorts (in walked Baldric with a battered cardboard box containing the "cunning plan".) Don't wear them, turn them inside out and put them on the saddle. - computer - pulse monitor, miles per hour (somewhat over optomisticly displaying up to 99 m.p.h.), odometer, calories - distance - so far I have achieved 12 miles but the problem is that leaves me sitting in the middle of Mussleburgh High Street on an exercise bike and having to drag it all the way home. - indoor - advatages - no hills, headwinds, hayfever symptoms, cars, cobbles, or pedestrians who have strayed onto the pavement. Downside - no cooling effect the quicker you go. No matter how much I lean of the side I can't get it to change direction. Road Safety - Bike Theft - Improved performance - light weight frame, streamlining, the computer is powered by batteries. This made me wonder why these devices aren't used to generate some useful electricity ? It could at least charge the two AA batteries to power the computer. Even more practical would be a feedback loop to power a defribulator. Nipple clamps attached. CLEAR *!!$%%

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